![]() Obviously the ultimate hug-tune from The Beach Boys cannon is "Don't Talk Put Your Head On My Shoulder," but it's far too sad to be played at a funeral and even more overtly boy-girl than "DWB." Apparently Wilson wrote it in an attempt to capture the essence of his favorite tune, "Be My Baby" by The Ronettes (thanks for the fun fact, Wiki!), but IMHO he surpassed the girl group classic, easy. The B Boys' harmonies envelop the listener like a warm embrace. This song is like a cuddle and if there's one thing I love more than dumplings, it's snuggling. ![]() OK this is one of their most popular songs, but you can shut up: this is my funeral. Maybe they can even personalize that spoken word part of the song to something about me, like, “Now, ladies, if you loved Dan, if you thought he was a nice guy, if you had sexual relations with him and thought he was good in bed, make some noooiiiii-oiiiiiise!” RIP me. That’s why they should play the ultimate party-starter, DJ Kool’s “Let Me Clear My Throat.” People will be all, “Damn I am so sad about Dan being dead and all but this song is the shiiiiit.” And then the whole funeral will turn into a big party and people can dance around my coffin Weekend at Bernie’s style. I want my loved ones to gather around my lifeless but still ruggedly handsome corpse and I want them to say, “This guy here lived a fun life” or “he knew how to have a good time” or “the air he got on that kickflip was so sweet ‘til he totally died.” So I want my funeral to capture my fun-loving spirit. But on the off-chance I do meet my untimely demise-probably doing a sweet kickflip over the Grand Canyon-I do not want my funeral to be a sad occasion. I’ll probably just live forever or get frozen for several centuries and then thawed out when my planet needs me the most. For that reason I would ask that whoever is unfortunate enough to be responsible for arranging my RIParty to please play me out to one of the most tear-bait bangers of recent times: "Just A Dream" by Nelly. Tobey Maguire's thespian crying face, an open-shirted Leonardo DiCaprio dropping to his knees and crying "I defy you, stars!" in Romeo + Juliet, Bradley Branning falling off the roof of the Queen Vic, that kind of thing. I want the kind of grief that unfolds as if in slow motion, emotion on such a grand scale it borders on pomposity. If sea levels don't rise due to the amount of tears shed over the loss of me then I will haunt the shit out of everyone. I want people to be sad as hell when I expire. ![]() But you won't find any of that at my funeral. It provides the ideal dose of comic relief necessary to cope with the crushing reality of inevitable death. The best funeral I ever attended concluded with Monty Python's "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," and I can safely say that everyone should watch a member of their immediate family descend into the earth while a hundred people attempt to whistle optimistically through a mask of snot and tears at least once in their life.
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